Why Your Perfect Dating Profile Is Useless Without a Credit Card

Image Credit, Amrothman

If you think dating apps are like “Field of Dreams”—if you build it, they will come—oh sweet summer child, let me gently crush that delusion. You can sculpt the perfect profile like Michelangelo crafting David, upload pictures where the lighting hits just right, and write a bio so charming it makes Shakespeare look like he’s typing with his forehead. You can have abs, a dog, and a kayak all in one photo (the holy trinity of thirst traps), but none of that matters.

Because just as you’re about to bask in your digital glow-up, here come the Gatekeepers. You thought love was free? HA. That was a lie sold to you by romantic comedies and Hallmark cards. Want to know who likes you? Fork over $29.99 for the chance. Want to send more than one message a day? That’s $14.99, my friend. Oh, you think you’re going to superlike someone? That’s $5 for a digital thumbs-up, and no, it does not come with a free drink or even a hug.

At this point, you might wonder: am I on a dating app or building a microtransaction empire? Is there a secret boss level where I pay to unlock actual eye contact with another human? Why does love cost more than my gym membership, and I’m still single and out of shape?

But don’t get discouraged—because remember, this is all part of the game. The real romance isn’t finding “the one,” it’s outsmarting the algorithm like you’re in a Mission Impossible movie. You swipe left, you swipe right, and occasionally you get the match notification, only to find out they haven’t been active since 2019.

That’s right—half of the profiles are abandoned, ghost ships floating in the sea of modern dating. And the ones that are active? Well, brace yourself. There’s a solid chance they’re either 30 miles away with “no time for games” (on a game-like app, mind you) or holding a fish the size of your self-esteem.

But don’t quit now! This is a digital jungle, and you must become the apex predator. Or at least the guy who doesn’t immediately open with “Hey.” Channel your inner David Attenborough and observe the wild mating habits of the modern dater. Some of them communicate only through GIFs, while others exist in the cryptic world of “if you want to know, just ask 😏.”

If you build the profile, someone will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. And when that day arrives, it’ll feel less like a meet-cute and more like surviving the Hunger Games. Just remember—love isn’t dead. It’s just paywalled.