Polyamory: The Ultimate “Looking for Love… But on My Terms” Guide for Women

Image Credit, Stocksnap

Alright, ladies, let’s talk about the fantasy of polyamory, where you get to explore your sexuality, test your limits, and somehow manage to juggle multiple partners while still expecting each one to worship the ground you walk on. If you’re the kind of woman who believes you can have your cake, your ice cream, and a side of pop—while eating them all at once—then have I got some dating advice for you.

Here’s the deal: You’re looking for a second partner. But wait, not just any second partner—this one must be committed to you. Like, full-on, no-questions-asked, forever-and-always only committed to you. But hold on, it gets better: this magical being must be long distance. Why? So when you need a break from your “one true love,” you can jet off for a weekend to their place (or vice versa) and play pretend like you’re really, really into them. After all, a little absence makes the heart grow fonder—or at least gives you a good excuse to take a breather from the real-life, everyday partner who is, of course, still your #1.

But here’s the kicker: Your second partner? Oh, they must be celibate. That’s right—until you summon them. No spontaneous hookups. No random texting at 2 a.m. Nope. They’re basically a unicorn that’s been waiting in the wings for you to raise the flag and say, “Okay, it’s go-time. Now, I need you to make me feel special—right after I finish binge-watching The Office for the sixth time.”

This is where we need to have a real heart-to-heart. Ladies, let’s be realistic. What you’re describing is not just polyamory. It’s an absurdly unattainable fantasy. You want a second partner who is willing to put all their eggs in your basket while waiting for your call, but only when it’s convenient for you—and they’ll stay celibate because, apparently, true love is only for you and no one else. That’s not polyamory, that’s a one-person cult with benefits.

So let’s set some expectations: What you’re searching for doesn’t exist. You can’t create a whole relationship dynamic that revolves entirely around your needs and whims without some very disgruntled partners. Polyamory isn’t about turning your personal love story into an episode of The Twilight Zone. It’s about respect, communication, and, yes, a little bit of compromise. So, if you’re truly in the market for multiple partners who are open to a slow build and respectful boundaries, try a little less “summon your celestial being” and a little more “let’s talk about what we both want.”

Because, spoiler alert: no one’s going to wait around for you to “call them up” while you’re off on your date night with your main squeeze. You can’t just live in a fantasy land where every partner is fine with taking a backseat whenever you want. It’s not cute. It’s not romantic. It’s straight-up delusional.

So, good luck out there! And remember: relationships are complicated—no one has time for your personal choose-your-own-adventure love story.