No Kids, No Exes, No Baggage: The Perils of Declaring Yourself a Relationship Minimalist

Image Credit, Stephane

If you’re about to dive headfirst into the wonderful world of dating apps and want to boldly declare yourself as “baggage-free,” why not lean all the way into the absurdity of it? Imagine crafting your profile like this: “No kids, never been married, no exes lurking in the shadows (well, except for that one time in Vegas, but let’s just say what happens there, stays there, right?). It’s just me, my thriving collection of potted plants, and a Netflix account that has mastered the art of recommending the most bizarre documentaries. I’m eagerly searching for someone who can not only handle my terrible puns but also appreciate that I’ve never had to convince a tiny human that Play-Doh isn’t a food group.”

Now, let’s be real for a second—while you might think you’re marketing yourself as the ultimate low-maintenance, no-drama, ready-for-anything partner, some guys might take a step back and wonder if there’s a catch. They might start to think you’re some sort of international spy who’s been too busy saving the world to settle down, or that maybe you’re just a little too good at avoiding commitment. And then there’s the potential minefield of implying that anyone who comes with kids, a previous marriage, or a past filled with life’s ups and downs is somehow lugging around a suitcase full of emotional baggage. Spoiler alert: that’s not going to win you any points with the single dads or the divorcees who’ve lived a little.

So, instead of painting yourself as a relationship minimalist who’s just one step away from living out of a backpack, why not highlight something a bit more playful? Maybe focus on your undeniable talent for quoting The Office word for word, or your passion for spontaneous road trips that always, somehow, end at the nearest taco truck. After all, dating isn’t about proving you’re some sort of emotional blank slate; it’s about finding someone who can appreciate your quirks, laugh at your jokes, and maybe even join you in your quest to find the best tacos in town.

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t just to find someone who’s intrigued by your lack of “baggage.” It’s about finding someone who’s excited to unpack the metaphorical suitcase of life with you, quirks, bad habits, and all. So, put on your metaphorical dating shoes, and make sure they’re tied tight because this is going to be a wild, hilarious ride. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who’s not only willing to put up with your Netflix true crime obsession but might even bring some quirks of their own to the table. After all, it’s not about being “baggage-free”; it’s about finding the right travel companion for the journey ahead!