Love at First Invoice: How to Lose a Guy in One Payment Request

Image Credit, Alexander Mils

Ladies, buckle up because we’re about to dive into the most audaciously delusional piece of online dating advice I’ve ever heard. Picture this: You’re a busy, high-powered attorney living your best life at 6 p.m. sharp, sipping on a latte made of ambition and unpaid billable hours. Now, some guy swipes right, and you think, “You know what? If he wants to chat, he better pay me for my time—because I’m that precious.” Honey, what in the HD double hockey sticks are we even talking about here? Let’s unpack this chaos.

First of all, charging a man to talk to you on a dating app is the kind of boldness that makes Kanye West look shy. Are you running a law firm or an emotional toll booth? And not just any toll booth, but one that makes you question, “Is this bridge even worth crossing?” Spoiler alert: Most men will hit the brakes, throw their car in reverse, and zoom straight back to Freeway of Swipes, Exit: Literally Anyone Else.

Let’s be real. The average man on a dating app is not looking for a CPA invoice every time he texts “wyd?” They’re looking for something low-stakes, like a conversation that doesn’t cost more than their Netflix subscription. Imagine this poor soul: He’s sitting there, trying to think of something clever to say, and suddenly you hit him with, “Oh, before we continue, that’ll be $350 per hour, payable upfront.” Ma’am, are you okay?

And the kicker? You’re not even offering anything extraordinary here. Like, unless you’re simultaneously solving world hunger, curing athlete’s foot, and composing Grammy-winning hits while texting, no one’s paying $0.01, let alone your hourly rate, just to talk to you. You think men will fork over their hard-earned cash when there’s Porn Hub and the YouTube rabbit hole waiting for free? Sis, be serious.

But here’s the real tea: How are you out here asking for compensation when you’re still working on yourself? You’ve got half a vision board, an unresolved grudge with your last situationship, and that one pile of laundry in the corner judging you every time you open Bumble. Meanwhile, you’re out here acting like you’re Beyoncé and her legal team. Newsflash: No one’s paying to sit in your courtroom of ego.

Also, let’s address the 10-ton elephant in the room: You’re not exactly winning America’s Next Top Model. Sure, you’re a 10 in personality (maybe), but if your selfies scream “I took this in my car at a weird angle,” you better lower those rates faster than crypto during a market crash. Because let me tell you, men would rather pay for overpriced sneakers, fantasy football leagues, and a new PS5 controller than to Venmo you for a conversation.

Ladies, let’s be realistic here. If your time is so precious, maybe don’t waste it on dating apps in the first place. Or, better yet, use that attorney energy to negotiate yourself a better mindset. Until then, let’s keep it free—because the only thing men are swiping on that costs money is Amazon Prime and Only Fans.