Dating Apps’ Greatest Irony: Calling Out Baggage While Dragging Your Own

Image credit, Adina Voicu

Oh, ladies, gather ’round, because we’re diving into the irony-infused pool of dating profiles. You know the ones. The profiles where a woman, with the confidence of a life coach and the humor of a mortician, decides to unleash a verbal smackdown on the very demographic she’s hoping to woo. Let’s dissect this masterpiece: “If you’re separated or going through a divorce, I’m not here to fix you. Don’t talk to me.” Oh, sweet summer child, the irony is richer than Jeff Bezos’ divorce settlement.

First of all, can we talk about the audacity? The boldness? The sheer theatrical flair of someone who either hasn’t been in a long-term relationship or is fresh off her own divorce, setting fire to every potential suitor like she’s auditioning for Game of Thrones. Honey, if you’re throwing this much shade, at least bring sunscreen because the reflection is blinding.

Let’s do a reality check. It’s 2024. The dating app ecosystem isn’t exactly brimming with people who’ve never loved, lost, or questioned their life choices while drunk-texting their ex. The majority of men on these apps? Yeah, they’ve probably been married, separated, or divorced. And guess what? That’s not a character flaw; it’s called life experience.

You want a man who’s never been in a serious relationship? Sure, he exists. But he’s 43, living in his mom’s basement, and thinks a date consists of you watching him play Call of Duty. Or maybe you’re angling for that rare unicorn who’s miraculously single, successful, and emotionally available. Spoiler alert: He’s likely a bot trying to steal your Netflix password.

The real comedy here is the “I’m not here to fix you” energy. Sis, who hurt you? You’re not applying to be a therapist; you’re trying to find someone who’ll share fries with you at 2 a.m. Nobody is asking you to whip out your toolbox and repair their emotional wiring. If anything, you’re the one who might need a little rewiring—like maybe unplugging your high horse and rebooting with some empathy.

Let’s not overlook the irony bomb, though. These profiles almost always come from someone who is, let’s be real, also a fixer-upper. Divorced? Never had a long-term relationship? Left a string of ghosted men wondering if you were abducted by aliens? Babe, you’re not exactly mint condition either, and that’s okay. But calling out someone else’s baggage while dragging around your own Samsonite collection is the dating equivalent of the kettle roasting the pot over an open flame.

Here’s a hilarious tip: Instead of playing judge and jury, try embracing the honesty. If a guy mentions he’s separated or divorced, applaud the fact that he’s upfront about it. At least he’s not hiding his ex-wife in the basement like a bad Lifetime movie. Honesty in profiles is rarer than a decent opening line on Tinder, so maybe show a little gratitude.

And for the love of all things swiped left, please stop acting like divorced men are broken projects that require duct tape and a prayer. Many of them are mature, self-aware, and probably better communicators than Chad from accounting who thinks “wyd?” is an acceptable conversation starter.

So, ladies, let’s retire the negativity and embrace the humor. If you’re going to lay down the law in your profile, at least keep it light. Try: “Divorced? Separated? As long as you’re not secretly still married, we’re good. Bonus points if you’ve unpacked your emotional baggage and it fits in the overhead bin.”

Because at the end of the day, dating isn’t about finding someone flawless—it’s about finding someone who makes you laugh, shares your values, and doesn’t cringe when you inevitably steal their hoodie.