WARNING: Online Dating May Require a Line of Credit and a Co-Signer

Welcome to the wild, wallet-draining, love-deficient world of online dating—where finding your soulmate will cost you more than your college tuition, your last two paychecks, and possibly a pint of plasma.

First up, that dating app that’s all the buzz—you know, the one that rhymes with Rumble. Before you even swipe right, left, or diagonally, you better break out that bank loan. Seriously, they don’t even let you see who liked you unless you subscribe to the “Ultra-Max Supreme Platinum Gold Elite Premium Diamond Edition” for the low, low price of one kidney and a Costco-sized tub of tears.

And then there’s the OG of heartbreak hustling—the one that rhymes with Swindler. Oh, you thought love was in the air? No honey, that’s just the scent of your money evaporating. These apps are expertly designed to match you with exactly one person: your financial ruin.

Let’s not forget the new crop of “cool” apps—you know, the ones where you’re supposed to meet over a drink and a pastry. Cute, right? Until you realize the pastry is metaphorical, the drink costs $12.99 a month, and your date turns out to be an AI-generated model named “Jason” who is really a stock photo from Getty Images. But don’t worry, he’s verified. Verified to suck your wallet dry, that is.

And can we talk about the ones that claim to be about real connections? They’re not. They’re about real transactions. Want to boost your profile? $7.99. Want to message someone who ghosted you mid-sentence? That’ll be $14.99. Want to just exist on the platform without being throttled into obscurity? Better be ready to mortgage your home, pawn grandma’s pearls, and pick up a ski mask for your new job as a part-time bank robber.

Online dating apps in 2025 don’t care if you’re lonely, sweet, attractive, or recently divorced with trust issues. They care about one thing: cash. Mulah. Profits. Dollars. They aren’t matchmakers. They’re money makers. Greedy little digital Cupids whose arrows are tipped with interest rates and hidden fees.

So here’s your honest online dating tip: If you’re about to venture into the glittery cesspool of swipe culture, make sure there’s room on that Amex, a backup Visa, and a coin jar labeled Emergency D**k Fund. Because the only thing you’re guaranteed to match with… is bankruptcy.

Love might be free. But swiping? That’s going to cost you everything.