I AM A Terribly Awful Person: Looking For Someone With A Cabin In The Woods

Image Credit, Robert Diam

Let’s take a trip to the world of online dating with a profile that’s guaranteed to stand out for all the hilariously awful reasons. Imagine stumbling upon a dating profile that begins with, “Hey there! I’m just an awfully terribly awful person looking for someone who can tolerate my quirks.” Intrigued yet? You should be. Our protagonist is not afraid to embrace their terribleness and is on the hunt for someone special. Someone with a boat. And a cabin. In a remote location. Like, seriously remote. Think Blair Witch Project meets Deliverance but with more awkward first-date vibes.

Now, you might be wondering what kind of person lists their awfulness as a top trait and simultaneously asks for a boat and a cabin. It’s the kind of person who wants to share not just adventures but mishaps and painfully awkward silences too. Our charmingly awful hero is not interested in the mundane. No, they crave the thrill of disappearing into the woods with someone equally willing to question their life choices while trying to start a fire with wet matches.

Long walks to nowhere in particular? Check. Discussing the inherent evil of GPS systems? Double-check. Competing in the “Who screamed louder?” contest? Absolutely. These are the pillars of a dream relationship in this uniquely bizarre dating world. Imagine analyzing horror movie plots not for fun but as a genuine survival guide. Nothing says romance like debating which one of you would survive the longest in a haunted house scenario (spoiler: you both probably wouldn’t).

Most people can’t swim, but if you can, that’s a bonus. Not because it’s a practical skill, but because it adds an extra layer of trust—or comedy—when the inevitable happens, and you find yourselves trying to paddle a boat back to shore with your hands because the engine mysteriously died. Picture the scene: a foggy night on a secluded lake, eerie music playing in the background, and two people laughing nervously while water splashes into the boat. It’s either the worst date ever or the start of an epic story you’ll never tell your parents.

If you’re planning to be tall, dark, and handsome, you might want to reconsider swiping right. According to horror movie logic, you’re definitely the first to go, and our protagonist is not about to break that tradition. Deal breakers include an aversion to charmingly awful personalities and a tendency to call for help when things get spooky. Seriously, where’s the fun in that?

So, if you’re brave enough to embrace the delightfully dreadful journey with someone who might just be the worst person you’ve ever met but in the best possible way, swipe right. Let’s make our own horror—er, love story. And remember, most of us can’t swim, but that’s never stopped a good time—or a great date—before.